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[repost] Peaches, by Sophonisba

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May. 3rd, 2008 | 03:06 pm
posted by: saphanibaal in sg_metaverse

-title- Peaches
-authorial credit- Sophonisba (saphanibaal
-spoilers- For "Lost City," "New Order," and "Rising," in a deranged sort of way
-characters- Jack, Elizabeth, Sheppard, Ford, Rodney, Teyla, Wraith
-rating- Suitable for general audiences
-summary- "I'm Peaches," said Peaches, "and I'm going to go defeat the Wraith. Hey, want a turkey sandwich? Best in the Pegasus Galaxy."


Peaches

Long and long ago, Jack O'Neill and Elizabeth Weir were sitting around in a secret underground base in Antarctica, having defeated an alien invasion and wondering what to do next.

A very large (but not giant -- that's another story) peach fell down an airshaft, bounced twice, and rolled to a stop at their feet.

Now Antarctica, as you may know, is a very cold place full of the coldest sort of ice and snow, so Jack looked at Elizabeth and Elizabeth looked at Jack and they wondered how a peach had gotten there.

"Wow, what a lovely peach," Jack said loudly while Elizabeth backed away. "I think we'll have it for lunch." And he drew his combat knife and began to cut the peach in half.

The knife went in a little and stopped.

The peach wobbled, shuddered, and then split in half. Inside a thin layer of peach, it had been a sphere made of the silvery metal and glowing lights of Ancient technology. Inside the sundered half-spheres, holding Jack's knife firmly in place with the palms of his hands, was a naked little boy with hair sticking up all over the place.

"Did I do that?" the little boy asked, lisping cutely.

"Awwww...." said Elizabeth, who had come back up once it was established that the peach wasn't going to explode.

"Aw, crap," said Jack. "C'mon, Peaches, let's find you some clothes and some lunch."

Jack and Elizabeth raised Peaches to be friendly, charming, a good pilot, very very dangerous, and only have respect for that authority he'd tested himself. Now at this time, the people in Antarctica wanted to go and explore the Pegasus Galaxy, but unfortunately it happened to be full of Wraith.

"Hey, Mom, can I have some sandwiches?" Peaches said one day. "I want to go 'sploring."

"Sure, go and get some from the commissary," Elizabeth said. "Where is that man? I swear, it was easier to keep track of him when he was still on SG-1..."

So Peaches went to the commissary and got some sandwiches, and then he went to the quartermaster and got a digital camera, and then he dialed the Stargate for the Pegasus Galaxy, because somehow neither Elizabeth nor Jack nor the brilliant and beautiful Sam Carter had ever gotten around to telling him not to.

Peaches went through the Stargate in a hurry, in case one of the SG teams should want to come home or something.

The Pegasus Galaxy looked a lot like the Milky Way, except there was a lot more Ancient technology lying around where people could trip over it. Peaches hadn't walked very far when a furry animal with pointy ears and a short tail sticking up bounded up to him.

"Hi! I'm a DOG!" the animal said. "I'm friendly! Unless you're a Wraith. I don't like Wraith. They took my master. I'm a DOG! I'm friendly! I have explosives!"

"I'm Peaches," said Peaches, "and I'm going to go defeat the Wraith. Hey, want a turkey sandwich? Best in the Pegasus Galaxy."

"Sure!" said the dog. "Let's go beat the Wraith! Let's bite them and shoot them and blow them into little bits! This is delicious. Let's go teach the Wraith a lesson!"

So Peaches and the dog walked along until they got into the forest, and then they heard a rustling overhead.

"Hey!" said the dog. "Who are you? Are you a Wraith? If you are, I'll tear out your throat!"

"I," said the rustling, "am not a Wraith. I don't like the Wraith. I am a capuchin monkey. Who are you, and what do you want? I warn you, I have nuts up here and I know how to use them."

"I'm Peaches," said Peaches, "and I'm going to go defeat the Wraith. Hey, want a turkey sandwich? Best in the Pegasus Galaxy."

"It doesn't have lemon in it, does it?" the monkey said suspiciously. "I'm deathly allergic to lemon. Can't eat it at all."

"No, no lemon," said Peaches. He held it out, and the monkey darted down a treetrunk, snatched it out of his hand, and made off back up into the branches.

"Oh, this is good," said the monkey, dropping crumbs on Peaches and the dog's heads. "Excellent invention. I thoroughly approve."

"You can come with us," Peaches offered.

"To get eaten by the Wraith? No thank you."

"Oh well," said Peaches, and he and the dog set off through the woods.

"This is interesting," said Peaches, and he and the dog made for the sunnier part of the woods.

"I'm sure we'll come to the end of the woods sometime," said Peaches, and he and the dog started off again.

"Oh, this is hopeless," said the monkey, and came down where Peaches and the dog could see him. "That's the fifth time you've gone through this very spot. Follow me."

They were just coming to the other side of the trees when the dog smelled something, and Peaches and the monkey followed him until he tracked down a brown bird with mottled decorations.

"Hello," said the bird. "This is the pheasants' part of the forest. Perhaps you are lost."

"Nice to meet you," said the dog. "Maybe we could trade you for some water? I'm thirsty."

"It is not our custom to trade with strangers," said the pheasant.

"Well, I'm Peaches," said Peaches. "I like college football, Ferris wheels, and anything that goes faster than two hundred miles an hour. There, we're getting to know each other already."

"Have you ever even actually been on a Ferris wheel?" asked the monkey.

"What is a 'mile'?" asked the pheasant.

"I have so," said Peaches. "I went with Teal'c. We're going to go defeat the Wraith, ma'am. Hey, want a turkey sandwich? Best in the Pegasus Galaxy."

"Yes, if you please," said the pheasant. She ate the bread and the cheese, and let the turkey fall on the ground, where it was promptly eaten by the dog. "If you are going to fight the Wraith, I wish to come with you. I am very tired of them eating my people."

"The more the merrier," said Peaches, and they walked along until they heard a Wraith dart and all ducked under a bush.

"Oof."

"Hey, watch the tail!"

"Whomever's nose is between my legs, please move it."

"They're getting away... follow that dart!"

So the dog raced after the dart, feet flying along the ground, and Peaches and the monkey and the pheasant followed at a more forgiving pace.

"They went through the Stargate," the dog said when they got to it, "but I got their address. We can dial it and go after them!"

"Oh, sure, go right through on their heels without an idea of what's on the other side. I don't know why I should expect something better from someone who has yet to evolve opposable thumbs."

"Hey! I know I look like the wolves who tried to eat you when you were half-grown, but... "

"Gentlemen," said the pheasant.

"Have another turkey sandwich, everyone," said Peaches, and reached into his pack. His fingers brushed something. "Hmm..." he said, and brought out the digital camera.

"That will be very useful, thank you," said the monkey, and tied it onto a handy stick while everyone had another sandwich. (There are times when it's useful to have four hands.)

Then the dog dialed the Stargate, and Peaches set the video on the digital camera to "record" and poked it through the Stargate.

When he brought it back, everyone crowded around and peered at the video.

"My God," said Peaches. "It's full of stars."

"We cannot survive without air," said the pheasant sadly.

"I refuse to accept that," said Peaches. "Close the wormhole and let's think of something.

So they closed the wormhole, and walked up and down trying to think of something, until at last the monkey tripped over a piece of Ancient ruin and fell down a shaft.

"Ow! Ow, ow, ow, I think I've wrenched my tail... aHA!" he shouted up to the surface. "Come down here and get a look at this."

So Peaches held onto the pheasant's feet and let her fly him down, strong wingbeats unable to fully bear his weight, and they saw a blocky sort of thing like an enclosed caravan with no wheels.

"Huh," said Peaches.

"Go in," said the monkey.

So Peaches did, and the caravan thing lit up. Then, after he sat down at its front, it lifted off the ground. Then it went invisible.

"Cool," said Peaches, and put it back down so the monkey could climb in. The pheasant flew herself back up.

"This aircaravan is so neat," said the dog once they'd collected him.

"What did you call it?" Peaches asked.

"Well, it's a caravan. That goes through the air."

"That settles it," said Peaches. "You are not allowed to name anything, ever. Imagine, settling a clumsy name like that on a little puddlejumper like this..."

"Puddlejumper?" said the pheasant, having finished dialing the gate again.

"Like migrating birds," Peaches explained as the wormhole whooshed out and then in. "They go from pond to pond to pond, up and down and up and down and up and down."

"I still think 'gateship' would be better," said the monkey as they flew through the Stargate and down to the Wraith hive on the planet.

"Who is there?" shouted the Wraith.

"It is I, Peaches, with the dog and the monkey and the pheasant! Fling open your doors, deliver over your captives, and surrender, and I will see if Dad's scientists can find a way to change you into people who eat regular food!"

"What am I doing here?" the monkey demanded. "I didn't mean to come along."

"Ha, ha, ha!" laughed the Wraith. "We like being mean and nasty! Make yourselves visible again, and we promise to eat you last. Or first, if you prefer. We're not picky."

"You asked for it," said Peaches, and he and the dog and the pheasant leapt out and attacked the Wraith. The dog shot and bit the Wraith, and the pheasant shot the Wraith and hit them with her wings, and Peaches just shot them, but no matter how they wounded the Wraith the wounds healed in a matter of moments.

"Back to the puddlejumper!" Peaches ordered, and the three of them fell back to the jumper and flew away just before the Wraith shot up the piece of land where they'd gone invisible.

"While you three were indulging in that little display of testosterone -- or whatever," the monkey added, looking at the pheasant -- "some of us have been examining our options. Peaches, think about weapons."

Peaches thought about weapons, and the puddlejumper kindly showed off for him. A squid-looking thing flew out of the side of the 'jumper and into the top of the Wraith hive. Then it exploded.

Pieces of Wraith and hive rained down for a quarter of an hour.

A secret compartment inside the 'jumper opened up and was full of silver daggers. Peaches landed the puddlejumper next to the base of the decapitated hive, and everyone took a dagger to kill any Wraith that hadn't died in the explosion. Then they cut their heads off and kicked them away, just to be sure.

Once all the Wraith were dead, Peaches and his team let out all the people that hadn't been dinner yet, and collected all the valuables that had belonged to the people who had already been dinner, and loaded up the puddlejumper, and flew back to everyone else's home planet.

"There may be more hives," the pheasant said. "I wish to stay with you."

"The Wraith ate my master," said the dog. "I want to stay with you."

"You aren't entirely stupid and that Ancient blood of yours is really useful," said the monkey. "I may stick around for a bit."

"Okay," said Peaches, "but I should be going home soon. It's nearly time for dinner."

And he tried to dial home, but it wouldn't.

"You're trying to dial another galaxy," pointed out the monkey. "There isn't enough power for that."

"Aw, CRAP," said Peaches. "Mom's going to kill me."

"You may stay with us," said the pheasant. "We would welcome you."

"There's supposed to be this city underwater," said the dog, "and it turns into an intergalactic spaceship."

"Give me a while and some help," said the monkey, "and I can fit this thing up to go to the bottom of the ocean. It's very inconvenient not having Ancient blood. There should be a way to fix it."

"Thank you all," said Peaches. "You can all come live in my superdimensional fortress once I've got it."

And they all lived happily and merrily, once Peaches had been grounded for a month after they got to Earth for using the Stargate without asking, not calling home for a year, and landing the Lost City of Atlantis on his mom's petunias. It would have been two months, but he'd also landed it on most of the Trust and squashed the cause of his dad's stress headache.

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